All the things Dubya meant but didn’t have the integrity to come out and say…

Our law enforcement needs this vital legislation to protect our citizens – you need to renew the PATRIOT Act.

“You know when we said that was only temporary, and you bought it? BWAHAHAHAHA!”

my Administration, and this Congress, will give you the resources you need to fight and win the war on terror.

“…while your tours are extended indefinitely, your families and children left without your income and with darn little help from us, and when you finally do come home you can forget about those benefits we promised.”

let us be candid about the consequences of leaving Saddam Hussein in power. We are seeking all the facts

“…which we claimed to know absolutely and in great detail one year ago. Oops.”

Exports are growing.

“…because the dollar, which represents public confidence in our currency, is falling.”

jobs are on the rise.

“…in India. Not here, though. Here, the rate of job growth still isn’t keeping up with the rate of new entrants to the job market, even when we refuse to count the people who’ve been unemployed so long they’ve lost their benefits, or who had to take part-time work at half the pay just to survive.”

My Administration is promoting free and fair trade, to open up new markets for America’s entrepreneurs, and manufacturers, and farmers,

“…but darned if we’ll let those furriners sell anything within our borders, unless they’re employed by US companies of course.”

In two weeks, I will send you a budget that funds the war, protects the homeland, and meets important domestic needs, while limiting the growth in discretionary spending to less than four percent.

“I’ll also prove that two plus two equals ten, just like my Professor Friedman taught me.”

our goal is to ensure that Americans can choose and afford private health care coverage

“…or take their chances without coverage if they can’t pay enough to keep my donors happy. Their choice.”

The same moral tradition that defines marriage also teaches that each individual has dignity and value in God’s sight.

“…but not in the eyes of the law, if John Ashcroft and I have anything to say about it.”

By Executive Order, I have opened billions of dollars in grant money to competition that includes faith-based charities.

“It’s just coincidence that 99.7% of that money has already been allocated to evangelical protestant churches like the one I attend.”